By Adeline Koh

When my daughter Ellyssa was born, the nurses were holding on to her and telling my husband and I that they needed to do further checks. We were puzzled. For our first two children, the nurses would almost immediately hand them over to us, and allow me to start breastfeeding them.

During the pregnancy, we had decided not to do prenatal testing, as was the case with our first two children, and abortion was not an option for us. The routine detailed scan at five months of pregnancy did not detect any issue with our baby girl. Was there now something wrong with our child?

Our usual paediatrician was on holiday, and another paediatrician was in charge. He came in with a solemn look on his face and asked the question that would change my life, “Do you know what Mongolism is?” I did not immediately connect that archaic term with what we commonly know as “Down Syndrome”, but my husband did. As the paediatrician explained about the condition, tears rolled down my cheeks.

Within the first year of her birth, I was crying every day. I felt a lot of guilt and condemnation, wondering if I was the one who had caused it to happen, or if I did something wrong when I was carrying Ellyssa in my womb. It was also the first time I saw my husband cry. We were worried. Who was going to take care of her when we are no longer around? How were we going to afford the many hospital visits and therapies?

My older children—who were aged 5 and 3 then—were puzzled when my husband and I told them about their sister. They wondered why we were crying, and simply asked what it was about. In fact, in that year, the ones who hurt me the most were Christians who told me that I “didn’t pray hard enough”, or that I must have “committed a great sin”, which led to my daughter’s condition. However, the verse that kept my sanity in that difficult time was Ephesians 2:10, which says that we are God’s masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. I recited the verse to Ellyssa every day, even as I was breastfeeding her.

“Blessed Are The Peacemakers”
Thankfully, even though I was deeply hurt by my own Christian community, our parents were very supportive. People whom we could trust, talk to and share our struggles with were sent to us by divine intervention.

I had a mentor who visited me about three times in the three weeks we had to stay in hospital. When Ellyssa had to see a doctor for jaundice, we were blessed to have a doctor who was experienced with Down Syndrome.

When it came to education, we wanted to place Ellyssa in a particular school, but were cautioned that the waiting list for that school would be very long. There were parents who had to wait for a year. But we managed to enrol her in the school within a few months, and she was blessed to have very dedicated teachers.

Community found us, and this little glimmer of hope grew even bigger as God revealed that one purpose of Ellyssa’s life is to be a peacemaker. Ellyssa is friendly and very sensitive to people’s feelings. When was about two years old, she would lay her hands on her older siblings when she noticed they were in a bad mood, say something (which we could not understand), and end off in a clear and loud “Amen!”

When we brought our children on their first mission trip, Ellyssa went around giving hugs to a number of children. On our second mission trip to an orphanage, Ellyssa happily joined the children there and made friends with them.

Because of Ellyssa, my husband and I have done many things outside our comfort zone. She has brought a lot of joy to us through different experiences. Without her, life would not be as exciting as it is. That is truly something which I am grateful for.

By Yifen Tan

I was studying my PhD when I entered a relationship with a friend. We were living together in the same house, but we kept our relationship a secret because he was in a relationship with another woman. To others, we presented ourselves simply as good friends. Back then, he did not want to break up with his girlfriend for various personal reasons, and there were many times when I saw no future in the relationship and wanted to leave.

I was doing well in my studies, and had applied for a grant to study in Harvard. Things went smoothly and a professor in Harvard Medical School promised to take me in if my application was successful.

Six months later, in August 2010, I bought two pregnancy test kits after I had missed my period. I was very happy when not only one, but two kits showed two lines, confirming that I was pregnant.

Dead silence. He responded with silence when I broke the news of my pregnancy to him as he drove us home after I had seen a doctor for some flu-like symptoms. Back home, he emerged from the room after half an hour of silence. “I don’t want the baby,” he finally spoke. We argued for days.

He suggested an abortion. It broke me because I knew from my scientific background that the baby in my womb was a human life, not a mere “lump of tissue”. Once, I even went down on my knees, pleading that I could not live with myself knowing what I have done to my baby if I had an abortion. But he promised that he would leave his girlfriend, marry me, and have children with me.

I hardened my heart. I began to drink heavily. The abortion was scheduled five days later.

The night before the abortion, before I took the pill they gave me, I tossed a coin. Both times, the answer was ‘no’ to the abortion. But I took the pill anyway. He had threatened to leave me if I continued with the pregnancy.

Neither of us slept much that night. When I visited the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning, I began to bleed heavily. In the midst of that extreme pain, I knew that my baby had died.

The abortion appointment was scheduled very early in the morning. At the clinic, I was weighed, asked my name and age after I climbed into the specifically-designed bed, and injected with a drip. I lost consciousness at around 7 AM and awoke at 11 AM. It was over.

A Beautiful Exchange
Even though he left his girlfriend after the abortion, our relationship did not improve. I left for the United States in January 2011. He broke up with me the very next month. The break-up plunged me into depression. I could not eat or sleep.

I had done my little hometown back in Malaysia proud by not only going to Harvard Medical School, but also receiving a prestigious award for young women in science. Putting up a strong front was an everyday thing for me. But, due to the pain, there were times when my mind simply went blank and I could not absorb a single thing in the weekly scientific talks and seminars.

It was then that I began to attend a church with a thriving young adult ministry, surrounding myself with many close friends when I joined a small group. We had many deep conversations, sharing our lives and testimonies with one another.

After I tearfully confided in a pastor about my abortion, he introduced me to a Christian counsellor, who was also serving in a pregnancy crisis centre. My weekly visits to the counsellor involved long conversations through many tears, and even though I still have flashbacks and emotional breakdowns sometimes, I have learnt that healing is a journey.

I am reminded that the God I believe in is here to do a beautiful exchange at each turn, giving us a crown of beauty for our ashes, gladness instead of mourning, and praise instead of despair.

By Rachel Tan

Less than two months into the pregnancy with my first child Johanna, I started spotting (bleeding) heavily and the obstetrician-gynaecologist (OB-GYN) that I was seeing at KK Hospital diagnosed it as a threatened miscarriage.

“About 20 per cent of pregnancies end in miscarriages,” he said matter-of-factly. “Sometimes, it’s the body’s way of telling you there’s something wrong with the quality of the embryo. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

My husband and I prayed very hard in our helplessness, bargaining with God to let us keep the baby. The spotting eventually stopped and we started looking forward to building our family, and in the excitement, the incident was relegated to the back of our minds.

In January 2014, I was about 22 weeks along in my pregnancy when I went for a detailed scan.

“There’s something wrong with your baby’s heart,” the words of the doctor were razor sharp and cut deep. My mind went awfully blank. I did not feel any emotion, but some part of my soul must have heard the doctor because I could feel hot tears slipping down my cheeks.

Between sobs I called Ivan from the toilet. When he arrived, we were told that our baby would be born blue, and would require multiple dangerous, expensive heart surgeries and a daily cocktail of medication just to get her to adulthood.

We sought a second opinion that day from another doctor. Using a rudimentary sketch of a heart on a piece of paper, the older doctor explained that our baby had a rare condition called Transposition of the Great Arteries, among other complications. He advised us to consider our options carefully, or that we could also choose to terminate the pregnancy there and then.

Giving New Life
We were just two weeks shy of the legal time limit of 24 weeks for abortion. To keep our options open, the doctors recommended that Ivan and I go for the mandatory pre-abortion counselling.

In that time, Ivan reminded me of how God had answered our prayers to let us keep the baby in our first trimester, and it was then that we knew termination of the pregnancy was not an option. Right now, we had to trust that if our prayers to sustain her life before had been answered, then surely He could do another miracle for Johanna.

I had already begun feeling the butterfly movements of the baby, and I realised that she was a fully formed being and I had no right to choose whether she should live or die. When she was found to be free from chromosomal abnormalities or foetal infections, I realised I would have kept her and loved her even if the results were otherwise.

At 9.34 AM on 22 April 2014, Johanna was born, weighing in at a hefty 3.2kg. Despite all the fears that she would be blue and un-oxygenated once out of my womb, she emerged pink and yelling at the top of her lungs.

Since then, Johanna has gone through two operations to fix her heart, each teaching me to trust God more. Today she is a precocious pre-schooler! Other than a zipper scar on her chest, she is medication-free and no different from her nursery playmates. To be sure, even as she has turned my life upside-down, she put a whole lot of things into perspective. Some may say it is the mother who brings new life into this world, but really, I think she is the one who gave me new life.

By June Bai

It is common for women to think that after an abortion, the “problem is solved” and life will return to normal. What nobody tells them before the abortion is the emotional pain they may experience after the abortion. This usually leaves them unprepared, and the pain may be further aggravated when they keep the abortion secret and suffer in silence.

Common Emotional Effects After An Abortion

After an abortion, a woman may feel relieved that the “problem” is now gone. As time passes, intense emotional pain may replace the sense of relief as she starts to process all that has happened. Guilt and shame can overwhelm her. Self-condemning thoughts may replay in her mind. There is a deep sense of loss and emptiness within her, as if something has been taken away from her.

A woman may be angry at herself and the father of the child. She may be angry with everyone else involved in the abortion. As bitterness simmers inside her, she struggles with unforgiveness towards herself and those who have hurt her.

In all of these, it is common for a woman to shut off these emotions as they may be too much for her to bear. To suppress the nagging feelings of guilt for ending the life of her unborn child, she may try to convince herself that her baby was just a lump of cells. Rationalising that she is better off without the child, she attempts to move on and forget about the abortion.

Hard as she may try to forget about it, triggers such as the sight of pregnant women and babies would bring up the pain that she is trying to suppress. She may find herself thinking about her baby and how life would have been like if she had kept her child. Dates such as the expected delivery date of the baby or the abortion anniversary may cause her to plunge into depression again. Eventually, she wonders if she will ever be healed from the pain of the abortion.

How You Can Help

The turning point comes when she chooses to surface what she has done in darkness into light. A woman in anguish may find it difficult to share her story with someone, especially if she feels she will be judged. As she shares her story with you, healing starts when she feels understood and loved. Here are some ways you can help and support her.

1. Give her as much time as she needs to share her story and pour out her emotions
2. Respond with empathy
   • Acknowledge her emotions
   • Remind her not to be too hard on herself
   • Avoid being quick in offering solutions
3. Love her in the way she receives love
   • Assure her repeatedly that you love her and do not judge her
   • Be physically present
   • Surprise her with little gifts
   • Offer to run some errands for her
   • A simple pat on her shoulder speaks of love and compassion
4. Create a safe and non-judgemental environment
   • Be very conscious of your facial expression and body language
   • Assure her of confidentiality
5. Plant a thought in her mind to seek help
6. Avoid asking insensitive questions just to satisfy your curiosity
7. Avoid pointing fingers at anyone
8. Avoid sharing your opinion on abortion
9. Lastly, paint a picture of hope for her

Tell her she can walk out of this pain one day. Share stories of women who have found healing and restoration after abortion.

Healing for the Woman

It takes great courage and determination for a woman to walk through a healing journey as this requires her to confront painful memories of the abortion. As such, she needs to seek healing in a safe, loving and non-judgemental environment.

In Singapore, there are avenues for a woman to seek healing. Buttons Project Singapore runs post abortion healing programs and a support group for women who have been through abortion. She may also consider joining a Catholic-based, post-abortion healing retreat run by Rachel’s Vineyard.

June Bai is the founder of Buttons Project Singapore, which provides a platform for people affected by abortion to take a step towards healing by sending in physical buttons.

You are 4 months pregnant and things are great.

You make a trip to your doctor, just like you have done in the earlier routine check-ups. Then the unthinkable happens and you hear the words you wished you never had to.

The doctor says “I’m sorry, there is something wrong with your baby”.

What happens when life throws you a curveball and you suddenly find out that your unborn child is diagnosed with a special medical condition? You’re shocked, in denial and you start to question if you had done something wrong.

You’re struggling to decide if you should still continue with the pregnancy and if you do, what that would mean in the short and long term? Does the child have a future? How does caring for a special needs child look like emotionally, financially and mentally?

You are not alone.

Many mothers have been in your shoes and stood at the same crossroad.

They chose life and have experienced the greatest joys in being a mum to a special needs child.

Here are some lessons they have shared:

Dear mum of a special needs child, you are braver and stronger than you realise. You are more supported than you are aware.

There is a huge community around you – your husband, parents and friends, all eager to help out in whatever way needed. There are also informal support groups of parents who have children with different types of special needs. Many have walked a similar journey as you are facing now and they would love to share their experience.

You have a choice and we hope you will always choose hope and life.

By Vivienne Ng

Psalm 68:6 tells us that God sets the lonely in families. Why families? It is because just by being with a loving family, an orphan or a displaced child can heal from pain, learn to love, find new hope and dare to dream again. Every child has the right to be in a loving home but, unfortunately, there are children who are unable to receive the love and care they need.

Fostering provides an alternative care arrangement for children in need of a safe, stable and nurturing home. There can be various reasons why children need foster care. They may have been hurt by abuse or neglect, or are unable to be cared for by their parents because their parents are ill, in jail, or have passed away.

When I first began fostering in 2008, I looked after two babies who were waiting to be adopted. At the end of 2011, I started caring for older children and for longer periods of time.

Fostering can be challenging. One of my foster children threw my son’s handphone, grabbed his spectacles and damaged his watch. The boy created trouble in school and drew on the walls at home. Once, I had to rush down to the boy’s school because he was creating a ruckus, pushing the tables and pinching himself. As I held him in my arms, I found out that he became upset because he missed his mother.

Due to their family background, foster children may not always be likeable and may not return the love shown to them. But they are still deserving of our Father’s love. In this journey, my reward has been in seeing these children grow to love God, and pray for their families. Most of all, I know that the Lord is pleased when we share the love of Christ with the children and their families.

Unlike adoption, foster care is not permanent. It is a temporary arrangement to meet the emergency care needs of a child, with the ultimate goal of re-integrating them with their natural family. There is a great need for foster parents in Singapore.

If you and your spouse are Singapore residents, at least 25 years old and medically fit to care for children, please prayerfully consider making your hearts and homes available to foster the children who are in need.

If you are not yet in a position to foster, make a commitment to support the families in your midst who are fostering children, as well as the children in foster care.

Originally published in Love Life Devotional. Adapted with permission.

Vivienne Ng is a foster parent and part of the core team of Home for Good – SG, a Christian network to promote and support fostering and adoption within Christian communities.

By Dr Lim Poh Lian

My husband and I got married when he was 40 and I was 32. We had both considered adoption when we were single. Even as we tried for biological children, we were open to adopt if we could not conceive. We felt that we could make a difference in a small way.

We considered adopting an African orphan with HIV. However, the process of adopting children from Africa was complicated, so we looked to China instead. It was around the early 2000s, and most of the children available for adoption from China were girls due to the “one-child policy”. In 2002, we adopted a baby girl, our daughter.

In all this, we learnt that what children need and want is permanence. If a child forms attachments and then loses them repeatedly, the child may learn to be friendly, but not develop deep relationships because of the fear of loss.

In March 2017, my husband and I were very moved by the story of Keyuan, an 8-year old boy who was abandoned because he was born without ears. He was staying in a children’s home in China. We felt compelled to act because we thought, “What if everyone thinks that someone else is going to do something, and no one does anything, and he ends up waiting?” So we decided to adopt Keyuan.

When we told our children about our decision, they were dismayed. They asked for two weeks to think about it. Meanwhile, several other families had expressed interest in adopting Keyuan. We wanted to respect our children’s need for time, but we felt heartsick at the thought that we would lose Keyuan.

Meantime, our children attended the Radical Hospitality forum held by our church, and after much discussion, finally agreed to the adoption, although they were not fully convinced. The paperwork began. Being US citizens, and because the United States and China signed the Hague Convention which protects children, the paperwork and screening of adoptive families is quite onerous. We needed to submit police and child abuse clearances, 7 letters of reference, 10 years of income taxes, HIV testing, 18 hours of online adoption learning, and a home study with 4 social worker visits.

Children who grow up in orphanages awaiting adoption often come to hate their birthdays, because it makes them less “adoptable”. Few people want to adopt older boys with special needs. So we decided to make Keyuan’s 8th birthday special. We spent a week in Beijing as volunteers to give him a chance to get to know us. When he learnt that we were his adoptive parents, it was the best birthday present ever.

Finally, in February 2018, Keyuan came home to us, our newest addition to our family.

Adoption is a picture of God’s heart. Though we have nothing to commend ourselves to Him, God loves us and exercises His sovereign free will by choosing us for adoption as His children. One of the things my children asked when we were considering adopting Keyuan was, “Are we going to have to share our inheritance with him?” Amused, we tease them that we might just decide to spend all our money and leave no inheritance for the children. But the truth is, when a child is adopted, he is given the privilege of belonging. In that same way, when we are adopted by God, we have full rights to His inheritance of eternal life.

Originally published in Love Life Devotional. Adapted with permission.

Dr Lim Poh Lian is a senior consultant in infectious diseases who has worked in outbreak conditions and served on high-level WHO and UN task forces.

Raymond & Lynette Loh

There are different ways people choose to serve others. Providing humanitarian aid, serving cancer patients and helping the elderly are instances to name a few.

For us, it is fostering – providing a home for children who can’t live with their biological parents for certain periods of time.

It is Challenging.

Our journey as foster parents began 10 years ago, and we have discovered that every child is different and comes with his or her own set of challenges. Babies and infants arrive with little emotional baggages, but sleepless nights and physically demanding days are to be expected. Older children don’t require round-the-clock care, but are likely to have emotional and behavioural issues.

Often, it is the older children who aren’t as easy to love. Throwing temper tantrums, throwing food, screaming their lungs out are just some challenges we have faced. Needless to say, the lack of trust when it comes to being a part of their new family isn’t unusual. It is precisely their unwillingness to receive our help that makes it difficult for us to help them, especially in the initial stages.

Yet, these older children are the ones who really need a loving home. They need a family who can provide genuine care and is able to handle their various issues. To care for a younger child, we need to be stronger than him emotionally. We also need to balance kindness with firmness, especially if we know they are hurting deep inside, but may want to outsmart us at times.

But It’s All Worth It.

Despite the challenges fostering may present, it can add purpose and meaning to our lives; we get to fully serve others and we do not compromise the value of a lasting relationship in the process. If you have children, your foster child may even gain a lifelong friend, and this can help him or her to transit to the permanence of a new family.

Fostering is also practical. You will be equipped before you begin your journey. For Singaporeans, the Ministry of Social and Family Development provides holistic inductions and training sessions to equip potential foster parents with skills to handle situations when the going gets tough. Support groups, possible arrangements for respite care and financial support alongside an attached Foster Care Officer are all readily available and provided for as well.

And the going will get tough. Reminding yourself that you have made a commitment to stick it out is a great way of staying focused on what you have and not what you are missing out on. When our foster children give us a difficult time, we grit our teeth and walk with them—as with our own children.

This is why we firmly believe that potential foster parents must not have a rose-tinted outlook of fostering. We must go in with our eyes open, so that we will not give up halfway when things get tough. These children have, in some way, been given up on before, and we must not reinforce any feelings of abandonment they may have developed.

For as long as we are able to, we hope to keep both our homes and hearts open to those who are in need. After all, our world could use a little more love.

Raymond & Lynette have fostered five children thus far, and have a son of their own. They would love to continue helping more foster children, as long as they have the resources to do so.

By Vicky Ho

Before I had children, I thought my main concerns about my unborn child would be the gender, name and room colour. After having two children, these concerns were taken over by deeper anxieties about life and death.

Will I lose my baby during the first trimester?
This question surfaced in different forms at various stages during my first pregnancy. When the taxi driver was speeding, I imagined getting into an accident. Whenever I walked down the stairs, I wondered if I would miss a step and fall. Was the baby’s heart still beating? Would the uncooked ham I ate hurt my child?

So I spent 60% of my time worrying and the remaining 40% trying to get as much rest as possible. Then, I read what Lorilee Craker wrote in her book, When the Belly Button Pops, the Baby’s Done:

“Don’t let the fear of what might happen dampen the joy and the love and the fabulousness of these early weeks. And don’t hold back your love in an effort to protect your own heart. Even if the worst should happen and you do lose your baby, you will know that you loved that child with all your heart. The reward of that experience should last for all time.”

This gave me perspective—I would still worry but I stopped fearing death and chose to simply love the life that has been given.

Then, my husband and I were asked the question, “Would you like to do the OSCAR screening?”

In brief, this is a combination test done in the first trimester to screen for risk of fetal anomalies, with Down syndrome, in particular. The screening would help us find out if our baby had a high risk of chromosomal defects, following which I could opt for a diagnostics test to ascertain the anomalies.

As explained by my gynaecologist, if we had already decided to keep the baby regardless, we need not consider the risk assessment. But if we do want to take the screening, we must be prepared to take the invasive diagnostic test which carries a small risk of miscarriage.

For some, I understand that this is about being prepared and there is no intention of terminating the pregnancy. However, in my mind then, I was battling with thoughts of “what if” and “but”, and it was a question of “Would I keep my baby regardless?” for me. Thankfully, my husband’s reassuring voice cut through my racing thoughts, “We’ll keep the baby even if she has Down syndrome.” He said it with such certainty and strength that his courage and faith were imparted to me.

I learnt that decision-making becomes much smoother when your husband shares the same values and faith as you. In my moments of emotional upheaval during this first trimester, he remained the steady anchor.

Sinusoidal Heart Rate Pattern – What’s That?
When I was 36 weeks along in my third pregnancy, because of an earlier miscarriage, my gynaecologist was very cautious and took great care of me and my unborn child.

In that final lap, he did a check on the fetal heartbeat and told us that it showed a sinusoidal pattern. While he did take time to explain it to me, I later took to the Internet for more information which I greatly regretted because I couldn’t unread what I saw.

“The true sinusoidal pattern is rare but ominous and is associated with high rates of fetal morbidity and mortality.”

The information on the Internet made me more anxious. Taking a good friend’s advice, I stopped reading these online pieces and started to rest more as recommended by my gynaecologist. During the extended medical leave, I had time to slow down, reflect and once again, embrace the process of carrying a baby. And the words of Craker returned to me, “Even if the worst should happen and you do lose your baby, you will know that you loved that child with all your heart.”

Truly, Every Child Is A Gift

Today, my husband and I are constantly on the move with our active children. They say, “The days are long but the years are short”—it is true. We are often found slumped on our sofa by nine every night, physically and mentally drained, but our hearts have never been fuller. Few things in life are capable of giving us such deep joy as the gift of children.

Vicky finds joy in conversations and coffee with good friends. A working mum, every day is a juggling act as she strives to be fully present for her two young boys. While life can sometimes spin out of control, she is thankful for her husband’s constant encouragement and humour.

Who says you have to be Little Miss Stressed-Out all the time?

You may be approaching motherhood with high expectations and are arming yourself with not just a ‘to-do’ but a ‘Must-Do’ list that will take up about 120% of your energy.

“It’s going great!” you say.

Until you crash and burn with a screaming baby, an exasperated husband and a mountain of chores that won’t go away.

Here are some basic yet effective steps we learned from mummies, to enjoy your motherhood journey, and build the family life you’ve always longed to have.

Above all, be kind to yourself. Laugh it off! Rather than give in to self-doubt and the worry that you could be doing more, or better, for your children. Resist the ‘mum-guilt’. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can each day, and that your children love you just the way you are—their loving, imperfectly perfect mum!